Around the World

Flushing on the Equator: Colombian toilets confused by science.


Next time: record players. õVMP

They finally settled down and bought an upscale boutique

 Gladys knew that the mannequin in the window looked familiar.  What she didn't realize is that her parents had sold her twin sister to Gypsies at the age of 18 months for drug money. õVMP

Nuisance

This day was simply not going the way my horoscope had set me up to believe. "The Moon in Leo conjuncts Mars and squares Mercury today, indicating that many voices will want to be heard now." Ok, well I wasn't sure what at all that meant anyway but it certainly didn't have anything to do with missing my bus and having some sort of medical "emergency" with the neighbor kid who just decided to tag along.


I've been skimming my pocket first aid manual for the past 15 minutes or so and have yet to find anything addressing either 'catatonia' or 'paralysis'. At least she's quiet. She wouldn't shut up earlier. I finally let her have my PB&J sandwich, which seemed to calm her down. Now, I'm not a doctor, but I figure the little girl is probably doing better as she hasn't been doing that frothing thing for at least 5 minutes now. Do these trains have medical staff? I really do have an important meeting at 9:30. Perhaps I should just pin a little note of explanation to her coat.  I think it's safe to say it would be immoral to just leave her here. It is a darling coat.


Oh, what to do...?  Good grief - this is exactly why I never had children. õVMP

Sigh

She is so disappointed in you.
õVMP





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Life-Sized J. J. Walker

I love backbacks. And computer bags, briefcases, satchels, all variety of haversacks, rucksacks, what have you. This photo shows the latest craze in university student book-toting. This California State University, Northridge student (facing the palm trees) is wearing the incredibly hip and fashionable Ronald McDonald full-body book satchel. You can see that, although attached back to back, it appears completely lifelike. So much so, that this young student in the foreground is attempting to play catch with her uberfun and thrift-conscious beach ball. She's turned her back on who she actually believes to be the founder of McNuggetLand because she is embarrassed that she recently allowed this man:

to paint her face at a frat party. Not something she is proud of or would ever repeat sober. Full-body backpacks also come in: Obi-Wan Kenobi (Alec Guiness style), J. J. Walker, Albert Einstein, and Burt Reynolds (black shirt with roses style) character varieties.  They are gaining popularity in more dangerous neighborhoods due to their ability to instantly double your presence and make perspective muggers move on to easier prey. The legs hold approximately two six packs of your favorite university beverage, while the torso will store books, binders, laptops, snacks, etc.  Available online or at your Student Bookstore. õVMP

I Call "Shenanigans!" On This Entire Scene

I was completely buffaloed when I saw this.  I had just paid $14.68 for a box of 20 frozen wings at the Save Mart, and here they are - Professionally COOKED - for less than ten bucks at the corner grab-it-all market.  Well my freezer's not that large but I certainly high-stepped it over there post-haste and dropped a Jackson for a most delectable meal... or two!

Daikaiju!!!

Every town's gotta have something it can call its own. Some have Strawberry Festivals or Onion Pie Cook-offs or Unicycle Derbys.  Well around Spring time, everyone in my childhood home of Greenleysburg Township get ready to watch King Ghidorah (キングギドラ), devour heavy farm equipment with its three dragon heads. 

The Kaiju monster was made famous by the classic 1964 Godzilla film "Ghidorah, the Three-Headed Monster". Since that time, he has been doing freelance destruction of small villages. He has allowed us to live in peace and prosperity as long as we grease up a piece of heavy machinery (such as the Komatsu PC 228 US-3 Excavator shown above) with good quantities of Grumpy's Black Label Private Reserve BBQ Sauce and leave it for him to destroy and devour at the start of each harvest. 

While the "King of Terror" may seem an unwelcome guest, we've all come to love him as he assures our personal safety, provides employment for 2/3 of the township, and has universal health care available to all residents for the cost of one sacrificed heavy equipment operator per biannual period (dental and optical coverage not included).

Not So Gravy

I don't know if I was more relieved or furious to receive this Polaroid in the mail this afternoon. This is the kind of sickness that I guess the perps pass off as humor that I've been having to deal with ever since the break in last month.


While our silverware, laptops, flat-screen TV, jewelry, and vintage 50's baseball card collection are probably long since pawned, that damned cow gravy boat that Janice's mother gave us for our wedding will haunt me till my dying breath.


So they do thousands of dollars of damage to our home. Breaking in, breaking up everything once inside. Stealing the valuables and destroying the sentimental. Then they keep the most annoying piece of triviality that we owned and continue to shove our noses in it. We've had pictures of the cow on the steps of the Supreme Court, at Mt. Rushmore, outside Dodger Stadium, grazing peacefully in a field of alfalfa. The latest: at this stupid fake farm.  


We need to move. The habitual reappearance of the gravy cow will be the end of me.

We call him Gerry

Actually, we typically call him Uncle Gerry.  My Mom gets irritated when we speak informally about her brother.  I've always enjoyed the conversations Gerry and I have had - usually while working on one of his cars or when I visit him at work.  As a Vice-President over the marketing department, Gerry has some extended liberties.  For instance, my sister and I were always welcome to come up to the executive floor of his office building and hang with him in his suite. His views on international economic theory and trans-national trade/business relations have encouraged me to seek a duel degree in Finance and International Business Marketing, but that isn't really the point of this petition. I thought I would write this blog post to appeal to anyone who could help in the situation of my Uncle's family. Since their abduction some 2 months ago by ninjas, he's spent a great deal of money on private investigators, retired special forces soldiers, and the like in an attempt to secure their safe return. His stubbornness only being matched by his economic savy, he has decided to learn karate himself. As they say, "If you want a job done right, you've got to do it yourself!"  He still has plenty of money, but he is not really interested in spending any more of his "personal" money.  He would appreciate anything at all that you could spare to finance a series of lessons from a karate master. Thank you.

The Root of My Failure

It was not a complicated task. I was charged with scrubbing the yard of all grime, dirt, and vegetation.  My otherwise well-balanced employer had a caustic hatred of plant-life.  (He once told me a fragment of an episode where, as a child, he had seen a potted geranium attack and brutally murder his favorite Aunt Silvia. From this point forward, the traumatized Norm Omweg had built and depleted a vast fortune with the explicit function of destroying all plant-life. Well, at least that which he may have some opportunity to encounter.) I had been in the employ of the old bastard for three years and had many times taken an acid scrub to his cement-work to the rear of his residence. The moist nature of Southern Wales meant that that moss was to be my continued annoyance. I have no problem with the moss. It is easily enough abated. But that damned dandelion! I had come upon it's previous incarnation about a month ago late in the afternoon. My fingers were torn and raw from the acid treatment and brittlely pained by the cold. When the weed came apart in my grasp, leaving the roots hiding... convalescing... gleefully beating me below the walk. I muttered something about my rate of pay and went home.  Well I'm sacked. For shizzle.

Purpose

I've been trying to determine some sort of specific purpose for this blog. While I'm waiting for that revelation, I thought I would find somewhat random photos from the interwebs and then write up fake stories to accompany them. This sounds meaningful and highly entertaining to me. I truly hope that you will all grow in your humanity for having shared in the experiment.

- David